Aging With Grace and Very Little Dignity

I just got back from a crazy backpacking trip with some 2 hours of Class 3 scramble at the end. I must have banged the crap out of my legs on the boulders, because my legs look like I got in a kicking fight with an extra short midget with a mean round-kick and didn’t emerge victorious. I am also in the saddest of physical state right now. I have to walk with my legs straight with knees locked, kinda swinging them around in an awkward arch. If I try to bend them ever so slightly, as with habit, my whole body slumps over because my leg muscles are boycotting me at the moment, and any sneak attempt to use them has been met with great resistance. Face plants be damned.

There was an old guy walking into my family restaurant yesterday with a walker, he moved very slowly and stiffly, and when he got to the edge of the chair he plopped down on it without a knee bend, and I realized that old guy had stolen my patented move. But he is old, so I don’t know if I will pursue legal action. Yet.

As stated too many times before, I’m very short (4′ 11.75″), and my SUV is very tall, I have to stand on the running board to climb into it. This requires a knee bend. Which basically means getting in and out of my vehicle is all kinds of drama. If the boyfriend is around, he will join in the drama by laughing at me and telling me I’m pathetic while trying to lift my ginormous ass up into the car. I’m usually laughing too hard at myself while feeling too much pain that I’m screaming, “Stop laughing at me. Oh! I’m going to pee on myself!” He doesn’t know he’s just one muscle spasm from getting the uncontrolled golden shower. I should seriously consider Depends Undergarment For Adults. It may be time.

People should not complain about their body if they are in their fittest form of their life. But. My butt has gotten huge. It’s from all the mountain climbing. My jeans are now getting tight around my ass and thighs. Sometimes when I sit down, I feel like my thighs will Hulk-grow out of my pants.

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